In the months following Griffin’s birth in November 2017, I wasn’t sure I’d ever want more kids. I was a wreck and honestly, couldn’t fathom how anyone could go through that experience again. However, as time wore on, Griffin got easier, and sweeter, and the thought of giving him a sibling started to get really, really exciting.
Finally, in May of 2019 we felt ready. I decided to go off my birth control (which I realized after going off it that it had been seriously messing with my hormones). To keep this part of the story short, mid-June we decided to wait another few months to start trying because of a potential job. However, the numbers in my fertility app were off and I was actually already pregnant by the time we decided to wait (unbeknownst to me). Check your numbers, ladies! Ha!
June 24th, 2019
I was getting pedicures with my mom and it hit me: OMG. I think I might be pregnant. I recently had what looked like implantation bleeding and I’d also been extremely tired. I turned to my mom and said, “Mom……. I think I might be pregnant!” It was still too early for a test, but we were SO excited with the prospect of me being pregnant again.
July 1st, 2019
We’d just gotten back from a weekend trip in Sedona and were relaxing at home. The thought hit me, “Wait, when am I supposed to get my period?” I looked at my fertility app and realized I was on day 34 of my cycle. I usually have very predictable 28-day cycles, so I knew it was time to test!!
Monday, July 1st, 2019
I wanted to surprise Andrew, so I decided not to tell him I was taking a test. I went to the Dollar Store in the morning and grabbed a test. As soon as I took it, it LIT. UP. Pregnant!!!!! I cried a few tears of joy, looked down at my belly, and said, “Hi baby!!! Are you ready for a big adventure?!?” I couldn’t stop staring at the test and smiling, so I set it on the lip of my bathroom sink so I could look at it every night and be thankful for this baby. It was like its first little mark on the world, saying “Hi, mama! I’m here!”
That afternoon, I wrapped up the test and put it in a gift bag. I had Andrew open it when he got home and he actually teared up a little (which is crazy because he’s not a very emotional person). I also handed him a single grain of rice and said, “This is how big our baby is!” We hugged and couldn’t be more excited for this new little addition to our family. A new sibling for our little Griffy.
We went to Target that afternoon and found a t-shirt that said, “Best Brother.” We were headed to my parents’ house that night for my birthday dinner, so we decided to have Griffin wear his new shirt and tell our family. My parents and other family were elated. I guessed I was only about 5 weeks along at this point, so it was still early. But I couldn’t help but to tell a few close friends and family.
Thursday, July 18th, 2019
Time for my first OB appointment! As excited as I was, I hadn’t been feeling quite as many symptoms as I had with Griffin. A little nausea when I was hungry, some fatigue, some cramping, coffee aversion. The OB said that this wasn’t anything to worry about. Pregnancies are different and the fact that I’m still having some symptoms is good. I tried not to worry about it, but I still had this nagging feeling that something might not be quite right. But doesn’t every woman worry about that during pregnancy?! I scheduled my first ultrasound for the next week.
Thursday, July 25th: When shit hit the fan.
For the past couple of months I’d been looking for a new work-from-home position. Since Griffin started daycare in April, I’d started to get pretty bored… and blogging hadn’t been cutting it.
So, this Thursday morning the 25th, I woke up SO excited for 2 big events: I had a final interview for a dream job (I’d been going through the interview process since mid-June!) AND I had my first ultrasound to see Baby R!
My interview went fantastic and I felt like I had it in the bag. I texted Andrew that I was headed to my ultrasound and he responded with, “Great! I’ll look forward to your phone call afterwards!”
I got in a bit early and we walked back to the dark ultrasound room. The tech and I were so excited to see my squirming little nugget. I had a flashback to my 8-week ultrasound with Griffin when he was just a little gummy bear up on the monitor. The nurse had said, “Wow! You’ve got a wild one in there!” and boy, did that turn out to be true!
Like I said, I hadn’t been feeling as many symptoms, but I knew that everything was probably OK. I’m sure I was just worrying about nothing and I’d see my little babe up on the screen in a few minutes.
We started the ultrasound and my uterus came up on the screen. A big empty sac with a tiny little white dot towards the bottom. “Is that the baby…?” I asked.
“Could be….” She responded. “Let’s take a look at everything else and then we’ll come back to this.” My heart sunk. Everything else looked great – she checked my ovaries and saw that I ovulated from the left one. “You have a beautiful uterus!” I think this was supposed to make me feel better.
She measured what could have been the baby. “Looks like the baby is measuring about 5 weeks and 6 days old. I know you’re supposed to be 8 weeks 1 day, but it’s possible you just ovulated late. We can’t see a heartbeat yet, but it might just be too early. Let me go grab a doctor to chat with you quick.”
My head started swirling. No, I didn’t ovulate late. I knew exactly when I ovulated, exactly when I had implantation bleeding, and exactly when I had a positive pregnancy test. There’s no way I could have gotten a positive pregnancy test at 3 weeks pregnant if this ultrasound was right and everything was OK.
I sat in the ultrasound room alone for what felt like forever. The nurse came back and said, “The doctors are all busy right now, but we’re going to do some blood work to monitor your HCG levels to see what’s going on. We’ll also want to have you back for another ultrasound in a week so we can check things out again.
She walked me to the lab and all my emotions hit me. I felt like a zombie. The phlebotomist said, “Can you spell your first name?” I squeaked out, “H-A-Y-L-E-Y.”
“Last name?”
“R-I-S-S *gulp* L-E-R.”
“Was that L-E-R?”
I couldn’t contain myself. I couldn’t speak. She looked over at me and I had tears running down my cheeks. She said, “Oh sweetheart. Do you need a tissue?” I nodded yes. “Do you need a hug?” I nodded yes. She gave me a big hug and said, “You got this!” I loved her so much.
After she took my blood, I quickly scheduled my next ultrasound so I could get out of there. When I got to the parking lot I called Andrew, who had been so optimistic for my ultrasound. I think that was one of the most unexpected calls he’d ever gotten.
“The baby is measuring 2 weeks smaller than it should be. They couldn’t find a heartbeat yet. I don’t know how this could even possibly turn out OK.” I sobbed.
“I’m coming home.”
I absolutely HATE uncertainty. I guess it’s my personality type, but I like being able to plan everything. I like having things under control… and this situation? Completely out of my control. I had no answers, but one million questions. Was my baby OK? Is this actually some odd miracle? Was my baby dead? Did I really ovulate late? Am I having a miscarriage? Why haven’t I started bleeding yet? How long is this going to take? Will I have to get a D&C? Will I have to be awake for it?
Queue: All the Google searches.
When Andrew got home, he gave me a huge hug. “It’s okay, we can try again. At least we’re good at making babies!”
“Yeah, just not this one.”
When we picked up Griffin from daycare, I gave him the biggest hug ever and never wanted to let him go. I had never been more thankful for him in my entire life.
Friday, July 26th
At about 11am I got a call from my OB’s office. “We got your preliminary blood work back and we just thought we’d call to tell you that your results coupled with your ultrasound findings point to a possible early miscarriage. We’ll have you come back Monday to take your blood work again and see if your HCG levels are rising.”
I went back to my bed and sobbed. I choked. I hated this. I felt like I was being forced to join a club that I didn’t want to join. 1 in 4 pregnancies ends in a miscarriage. But I already had a healthy one, wasn’t I in the clear?! Not MY little bean!
I grabbed my pregnancy test that had been sitting on the edge of my sink. “I’m sorry this didn’t work out, baby. I’m sorry we won’t get to go on this adventure together. I guess this just wasn’t meant to be.”
At 1:30pm I got an email: I got the job I had been interviewing for since June! Out of hundreds of candidates, they picked me. We had been a bit financially stressed since I decided to stay home with Griffin, so having a second (albeit part-time) income stream was a huge weight lifted off my shoulders.
Talk about a day of an ultimate high and an ultimate low.
I went through all my pregnancy tracking apps and clicked “Report a loss.” The things you don’t think about.
The Weekend: July 27th – 28th, 2019
That weekend was rough. One minute I’d be fine, the next minute I wouldn’t be. I was getting some uncomfortable cramping, and every cramp was a reminder of the most-likely deceased baby I was carrying.
We went swimming at my parents’ house over the weekend which was just what I needed. I got a chance to have a good talk with my mom about everything. Her first pregnancy ended in a stillbirth at 9 months, so she had walked down this road, albeit much worse.
“If that pregnancy hadn’t ended how it did, I wouldn’t have gotten pregnant with your oldest brother when I did. I wouldn’t have had the same kids as I do now. And I wouldn’t have had YOU!” I’m the youngest, so she literally wouldn’t have had me.
This gave me a lot of peace. I keep thinking about it. We can’t always understand God’s plan, but it always ends up being the best plan. I am so thankful for Griffin and for my future kids, and if I wasn’t having this miscarriage, then I wouldn’t be having my next child when I have it. It would be a different child. Does that make sense?
Monday, July 29th, 2019
I had an appointment to get my teeth cleaned this morning. When I was pregnant with Griffin, my gums bled pretty badly during my cleaning which can happen when you’re pregnant. I was terrified this would happen and I’d have to tell her about my miscarriage. The dental assistant was always so sweet and chatty, but I just didn’t feel like talking.
When I got there, she said, “How’s the baby?!” My heart dropped. “I guess he’s not a baby anymore. How old is he now? 18 months?” Oh, she was talking about Griffin. “Do you think you’ll have another one soon?”
😭
“Yeah, we’ll probably start trying again soon.”
Thankfully my gums didn’t bleed.
After my appointment, I headed back to the OB’s office to get my blood drawn again to see if my HCG levels had risen over the past few days — they’re supposed to double every 48 hours. The same nice phlebotomist took my blood, so that put me at ease a bit.
At this point, I hadn’t even talked to a doctor yet about anything that was going on. I walked to the front desk and choked out through tears, “Is there a nurse or anyone available who I could talk to quick?”
“What’s it about?”
“Well, I think I’m having a miscarriage and I just have a lot of questions.”
She stepped away and when she came back, she said, “I’m going to get you in to see a doctor. Have a seat and they’ll call you when they’re ready.”
I finally got a chance to chat with an OB and, oh my gosh, I felt SO much better afterwards. As I mentioned earlier, I hate uncertainty. I think all the uncertainty around this pregnancy was crushing me as much as the news itself. I still hadn’t had any bleeding, so there wasn’t a clear answer from my body of what was happening. However, most of my pregnancy symptoms were gone besides cramping.
I walked out of the office with a lot of answers and a clear action plan: We’ll see what my blood work says, we’ll do one more ultrasound, then we’ll chat immediately afterwards.
Okay, I can do this.
Tuesday, July 30th, 2019
The OB office called me around 11am. “We got your blood test results back. Your HCG levels dropped slightly from Thursday. The doctor still wants to have you in for the ultrasound on Thursday, then you’ll meet with her afterwards to talk about management options.”
Management options. It sounded so clinical.
My HCG levels should have doubled within this time, so slightly diminishing was not a good sign.
I hadn’t started my new job yet, so I didn’t have much to do and it was a huge blessing. I laid on the couch and binged Queer Eye. I went to a local pizza place and got 2 single slices of pizza so I could eat my feelings. I felt emotionally exhausted. I didn’t really cry. I felt like I’d had time to process things. At this point, I just wanted it all to be over with. I wanted to try again.
Thursday, August 1st
One month since I found out I was pregnant, I scheduled my second ultrasound. The baby had likely passed 3 weeks prior, so I was ready to research the options to have a medical miscarriage, basically inducing my body to miscarry. I spent all morning researching Misoprostol, the drug used to medically induce a miscarriage. I looked up other women’s experiences to see if it’s something I’d consider or if I wanted to go straight for a D&C, the surgical way to induce a miscarriage.
Around 10am I was deep into my studies when I got a call. It was Griffin’s teacher letting me know he had a slight temp and diarrhea. I needed to come pick him up.
I had my ultrasound and appointment at 2:30 that day. More than ever, I needed Griffin in daycare that day. I didn’t want him running around the ultrasound room like a maniac while we confirmed my miscarriage.
I texted my mom about our dilemma and in a heartbeat she offered to try to get off work early to watch him. Praise the Lord. She is a saint.
Andrew got home early from work and we headed to the clinic. The same sweet ultrasound tech performed the scan and the baby hadn’t grown. Still measuring 5w6d. It didn’t shock me, but the confirmation of the news made me tear up. It was final.
The tech expressed her sympathy and said, “I was still holding out hope for you! I’m so sorry. This is the part of my job that I just hate. You are such a nice couple and the last people who should have to experience this.”
We headed to the exam room to meet with the OB. She said she likes to have women try the Misoprostol first, then resort to a D&C if it’s still needed. She said she’d also provide me with a prescription for Hydrocodone for pain, since the cramping can get pretty painful. Whoof. Here we go.
Friday, August 2nd
I wanted to take the Misoprostol ASAP because I was so ready for this nightmare to be over. However, due to the possibility of excessive bleeding or hemorrhaging, you can’t be alone. My mom had the day off so she was able to come over and hang out with me all day. Bless her.
She picked me up around 8:30 and we went out to breakfast. I read it was good to have a solid, healthy meal beforehand as the medication can be rough on your stomach.
I was getting super nervous to take the Misoprostol. I’d read some pretty scary stories of ultra-terrible bleeding, cramping, pain, etc. I was shaking as I opened the container. My mom said, “Hold on.” She took me in her arms and prayed. We thanked God for this pregnancy, for courage and strength through this process, and that this little baby was up in heaven being taken care of.
I psyched myself up and swallowed the first dose. I did it. No turning back.
To keep this part of the story short, the pills didn’t work. I had some cramping, nausea, and super light spotting, but nothing else. I took the second dose on Saturday and didn’t even have any spotting. I felt a bit more nauseous, but no sign that the miscarriage was about to start.
Great.
Week of August 4th
On Monday, August 4th I called the doctor’s office and got in the next morning. After a brief chat with my OB, we decided to schedule a D&C for that Thursday. The nurse had me prep for a pelvic exam, but I really didn’t want one. My OB actually asked, “Should we do an exam?”
I said, “Umm, I’d rather not. Ha!”
“Well, we only need to do one if you’ve been having any cramping of bleeding.”
Since I didn’t have any of that and barely even felt pregnant anymore, we skipped the exam. Thank God!
My Experience Having a D&C
I scheduled my D&C for Thursday, August 8th. A D&C, or Dilation & Curettage, is a procedure where you go under general anesthesia and the doctor suctions out the “contents of pregnancy.” This is sometimes done if you start hemorrhaging during a miscarriage, if your body doesn’t clear all the contents, or in cases like mine where your body just doesn’t start the miscarriage process.
I was told that I couldn’t eat or drink anything that day, so by the time I checked in at 11am I was PARCHED. Seriously, so thirsty.
The waiting room was hopping with parents, grandparents, kids, etc. It felt really weird being there for a D&C while having happy children running around at my feet.
We filled out paperwork and waited for 30-45 minutes. Once they called me back, they took me to a prep room that was sectioned off with a curtain. The last time I was in the hospital was when I gave birth to Griffin and I had my own room, so this felt a little… economy-class. LOL.
I changed into a hospital gown, non-slip socks, left a urine sample (of what urine I could get out because I hadn’t drank anything all day), and a nurse came in and took some blood samples.
I chatted with the nurse about the procedure while she got the IV port ready. She started me on some fluids and I had a short conversion with the anesthesiologist. My OB also came in and chatted with me about the procedure.
At this point I was feeling pretty nervous. These were my last moments carrying this baby. As much as I wanted to hold on, my baby had already let go and I knew it was time for me to do the same.
Andrew and I took a minute to pray and thank God for each other and to watch over me during the surgery, then he went to the waiting room.
The D&C Operation
Just before they rolled me into the operation room at 1:00, they gave me some sort of medication that would help me relax. I don’t know if that’s what I was feeling or if it was just placebo, but I felt oddly at peace when we started moving.
As we were entering the OR, I felt like I was in an episode of The Good Doctor. When I get nervous I start cracking jokes, so I also made sure to enthusiastically greet all the nurses and doctors in the OR which was apparently hilarious.
They gave me some oxygen and the next thing I remember, I woke up in the recovery room at about 2:30. I woke up with my hand on my belly which felt like a nice homage to my baby.
Recovering from a D&C
Upon waking up, I felt pretty nauseous. The nurse gave me some peppermint oil to inhale which took the edge off pretty quickly. I was shaking quite a bit from the anesthesia, so the nurse gave me some medication to help with that, too.
Oddly enough, the worst part after waking up was that my butt hole hurt (really not holding anything back here. LOL.) I told the nurse and she said that they’d given me misoprostol rectally, which helps your uterus clear things out and shrink back down to a normal size.
My OB also prescribed misoprostol orally every 6 hours after surgery for the next 3 days. I am seriously SO done with misoprostol, lol.
After I woke up, I found out that I lost more blood than expected. Apparently there was a little spot in my uterus that they had trouble clearing, so they kept suctioning until it was gone. They took another blood test to make sure I wouldn’t need a blood transfusion, but I was OK.
After about 15 minutes I was alert enough for Andrew to come in. I was SO relieved to see him. By about 3:00 we headed home. I just wanted to get home and rest.
I had quite a bit of bleeding over the next 4-5 days. I wore Depends + a maxi pad for a few days to keep from ruining my underwear.
On the Monday after my D&C (the procedure was Thursday), I woke up with a terrible cold. After getting up for a few minutes, I needed to lay back down. I got back up a few minutes later to finish making tea and the room started spinning. I sat down and Andrew came over to talk with me, but his voice sounded super far away. I got super pale and felt like I was going to throw up.
Then I realized I was probably super anemic. I went to CVS that afternoon and picked up some iron and vitamin C supplements. By the next day I was already feeling a ton better!
Dropping HCG Levels After a D&C
I continued having weekly blood tests until my HCG levels dropped back down to less than 5. This ensures that the miscarriage is complete and my body isn’t still holding onto anything. Here’s the progression of my levels:
- 8/1 (1 week pre-D&C): 125,000
- 8/21 (2 weeks post-D&C): 153
- 8/28: 35
- 9/4: 12
- 9/11: 5 (DONE!)
August 24th Update: It’s been 16 days since my D&C and I’m still having some light brown discharge. I’ve been cleared by my OB, but we have to keep from getting pregnant for one full menstrual cycle before trying again. I think it’s just for pregnancy dating purposes, but I’m OK with it. I need a minute to just be me before we try again.
Remaining Hopeful Despite a Miscarriage
I only just realized that my due date was March 4th… it’s like this little baby was telling us to march forth, despite this loss.
As terrible as this situation has been, I’ve tried to stay as hopeful as possible. One of my first thoughts after I discovered the baby may have passed was, “Well, this is going to suck, but at least I’ll be able to better empathize with women who have walked this path.” Being able to relate and empathize with others is core to who I am. Everyone just wants to be understood.
Another thing that’s helped me remain hopeful is knowing that God’s plan is the best plan for my life. Sometimes we go through things that simply SUCK, but we look back at them in weeks, months, or years, and see how much we grew from that experience. How much better of a person we became because we had to walk through that hard time.
We hope to have a healthy pregnancy in the next few months, but we couldn’t have that pregnancy if this one hadn’t failed. Whatever baby comes from that pregnancy wouldn’t exist without this miscarriage. The joy I’ll feel after birthing a healthy baby will be insurmountable compared to any other circumstance.
What is a missed miscarriage?
I’ve been documenting this journey heavily over on my Instagram. One of remarks I get most often is, “Wow, I didn’t realize how long this process was.” I found out about my miscarriage on July 25th. Today is August 24th and it’s still not 100% over until my levels zero out. Update: My levels finally “zeroed out” on September 11th, 2019.
The question I get asked most often is, “How is this different than a regular miscarriage?” Most of the time during a miscarriage, your body recognizes the baby has passed within 1-2 days and starts emptying the contents of your uterus. You’ll start bleeding and passing everything naturally.
My body didn’t recognize that the baby passed, thus “missing” the miscarriage. When I went in for my first ultrasound at 8 weeks, it was a surprise to find out that the baby had passed about 2 weeks prior and my body missed it.
My body never recognized the miscarriage throughout the whole process, which is a big reason why I opted to have the D&C. Who knows how much longer it would have taken my body to recognize the loss and start naturally? It had already been a full month at that point, so I didn’t want to keep waiting for the miscarriage to start naturally.
Choosing Joy After a Miscarriage
I wrote this short anecdote during one of my times of immense grief. I thought I’d share it here to express how I’m choosing to forever value the joy I’ve had during the pregnancy, despite the loss.
My sweet little nugget, I met you so early. Just a little grain of rice.
When I took that first test, it was your first, “Hi, mama!”
I felt an instant connection to you. Preparing for our big adventure.
The next few weeks were filled with joy. Excitement for the future.
Different clothes to accommodate your growing body.
Announcing to friends, family, anyone who would listen.
I couldn’t wait to tell the world of your impending arrival.
I couldn’t wait for you to meet your big brother.
A few weeks later, I was about to see you for the first time.
In the dark room, up on the screen.
Except, you were tiny.
Tinier than you should have been.
No heartbeat. No little arms and legs. No movement.
My little babe, you left me too soon.
Before we got a chance to really meet.
Before I got the chance to show you how fully I loved you.
So our journey ended too soon, but it shouldn’t be taken for granted.
The joy you brought me in our short weeks together was beautiful.
The excitement for the future was like I’d never experienced before.
I won’t get to meet you like we planned, but I will never forget you.
Thank you for your existence.
Thank you for the joy you created.
Thank you for the lives you touched.
I choose to dwell on the joy of knowing you as fully as I could, not the sadness of our goodbye.
I love you forever, my little bean.
Finding Support During a Miscarriage
I can’t even begin to describe how much the support I received through this process has meant to me and helped me in healing. My husband coming home from work to be with me after I first got the news. My parents and family members offering to help in any way they could, whenever we needed them. And how they showed up.
Meaningful talks with my mom about pregnancy loss. Sharing our experiences and feelings. Texting her that I needed a hug, and her showing up 20 minutes later. Having her there with me as I swallowed my first dose of Misoprostol. I can’t imagine having gone through this without her. Without someone who knows the pain of pregnancy loss.
Sometimes you forget how important meaningful support is until you need it yourself.
If you are going through this now and feel alone, please reach out to find support. Whether it’s a family member, a local mom’s group, a church group, a Facebook group… finding support from someone who’s walked through it before can really help you process your feelings and know you’re not alone.
If you’ve walked through a pregnancy loss, I’d love it if you left a comment below. 1 in 4 pregnancies ends in a miscarriage, and knowing that you’re not alone is a tiny sliver of solace. I was reading another miscarriage story that had over 400 comments of women sharing their experiences walking through miscarriage. Whether you know it or not, someone close to you has likely walked a similar path to the one I shared today. ❤️️
A similar experience. I don’t know when exactly things happened when at 8 weeks and change I started bleeding heavily and I just knew it was happening. It was a Friday evening and Monday when I went in for an ultrasound there was just an empty sac left in my uterus. I had passed some sizeable clots over the weekend, but you always have a little bit of hope left.
I’ve been telling myself I’m happy that my body did it all on its own, and that I didn’t need any intervention. It’s just so surprising how long it takes afterwards to lead back to normal. I’m 3 weeks post the initial bleeding today and my hcg levels are still well high enough to trigger a pregnancy test.
Prayers to all you ladies experiencing this. And thank you for sharing your story so we can come together
Thank you for sharing your story. I felt comforted reading your story. We just found out yesterday that we lost our 2nd at about 7 weeks. It could have been 9 weeks now. We had 1st scan at 5 weeks and dr found some bad signs . Then did the scan again at 6 weeks . She’s (I wanted it to be a girl) improving though heartbeat didn’t reach the average normal. Then went for the 3rd scan yesterday and no more heartbeat. she shrank down in size. My body is still not recognising the miscarriage. No more symptoms but no cramping or bleeding as well aside from increased brown discharge which was a daily occurrence since we found out I was pregnant at 5 weeks. I opted for a d&c as experiencing the cramping pain will be traumatic for me. I don’t want to feel the physical pain of losing a baby on top of the emotional pain. I just want this to be over and move on and try again. Btw, I got pregnant naturally after being diagnosed with endometriosis and endometrial cysts on both ovaries and after 5 years of struggling. So this baby could have been our miracle baby. The 2nd child we could never have. That’s why it’s just painful and heartbreaking. But I am trusting God on his plans!
Thank you for sharing your story! Missed miscarriage feels so strange and scary. My body still “acts” pregnant at week 9, and we just found out through a scan the other day that no heartbeat was found and little bean stopped growing by 6,5 weeks. I will have to decide by next week what option to help the process… reading above at least gives some hope that everything will be ok afterwards no matter what. Thank you!!
Hi Hayley, thank you so much for opening up and sharing your story. It’s helping me process and grieve my missed miscarriage that happened in May. Now I’m pregnant again and eagerly/anxiously awaiting my first ultrasound next week. I’m so nervous and excited! Anyway, it’s really great knowing we are not alone… I felt so alone when I was going through my miscarriage and have been shocked and comforted to learn that it is all too common.
Congrats on your pregnancy!! I got pregnant again the first cycle I could and now have a crazy 2 year old girl. I’m actually pregnancy again with baby #3 (pregnancy #4), and at 14 weeks I have a healthy growing boy. However, the first trimester was kind of brutal in terms of anxiety. My OB was able to do an extra ultrasound for me at 9 weeks to confirm we still had a heartbeat. Sending you love and hope as you get through your first trimester! <3
As I am writing this I missed carried a week and a half ago. My little bean was 9 weeks with a strong heart beat. Went to the Er first time told me not to worry because my little nugget had a very strong heart beat 165. That was the last time I get to hear the heartbeat. 2 days after I went back for heavy bleeding my nugget wasn’t there anymore. Worse part about it is my due date was on my birthday. I’m going to dread it just another reminder that my baby isn’t here. I’m trying so hard to heal but it’s taking a toll on me so bad.
I’m so sorry Adriana. Take the time you need to grieve, no need to rush it. You’ll process it in your own time. Live in your feelings. Seek a counselor or therapist if it all feels too much. <3
Going through this right now. Found out I was pregnant at 3 weeks. Started bleeding and cramping about 2 weeks later. My baby stopped growing at 5 weeks and 6 days. I am not 7 weeks and 2 days and the doc has diagnosed a missed miscarriage. I am debating on the pills or trying to wait it out. I had a horrible experience 3 years ago, when it was combined with mifo.
Dear Hayley, thanks so much for sharing your story. Like you, I had only discovered at my 8 week appointment that the baby stopped developing at 6 weeks. I feel a terrible sense of loss and guilt over what could have been, and because it happened so quickly I find it quite difficult to process my feelings. I was prescribed misoprostol today and just started the miscarriage process. 😢
I really want to try again as soon as possible but I’m a little worried as I’ve heard that second pregnancies are harder than the first after a miscarriage (this would also be my second child). I wanted to ask you how your second pregnancy went? Was it more difficult than the first because of the miscarriage?
Oh Cassandra I’m so sorry to hear this! It’s devastating. My pregnancy after my miscarriage was actually easier than my first, physically. I think it’s different for everyone! The first trimester was a bit harder mentally with the anxiety of having another miscarriage, but most of my fears were relieved after I saw the baby’s heartbeat on the ultrasound. Then the pandemic hit mid-pregnancy so that kind of threw a wrench in things, lol! But otherwise everything was easier! I’m wishing you the best!!
Thank you so much for sharing this. 4 days ago I went in for my 14 week appointment and my OB couldn’t find the heartbeat on the Doppler. He got out his handheld ultrasound and still couldn’t tell if the baby’s heart was beating. And he said it looked a little small. He had me go over to the hospital an hour later to do another ultrasound. She couldn’t find a heart beat as well. And said there was no blood flow either 😭 she said the baby was measuring at 11 weeks, instead of 14. They had me go in to check my HCG levels the next day. My OB called me and asked if I had any bleeding. I haven’t. He said he is praying for me and to put all this in Gods hands. I have been praying for peace about all this. And the next day after I found out I didn’t cry as much. I felt at peace with it. I still cry, just not all day long. And my husband wants to try again. We have a 3 year old and a 2 year old already. I am so thankful for them! And both their pregnancies were a breeze. So I was not expecting this. I will go see my OB in 4 days and hopefully get another ultrasound. But I know the baby is gone 😭 all I can do is pray. But one question I do have for you is, did you get pregnant again? I have read so many bad stories about D&C’s. It scares me.
Cassie – I am SO sorry to hear about your story. That is so heartbreaking and so hard to deal with. To answer your question, yes! I had to wait until my HCG levels went back to 0, which took about a month after my D&C. My doctor wanted me to have one full cycle before we got pregnant again. So I did all that, and got pregnant again on the first try. My pregnancy was perfectly healthy and my daughter will be 2 in July! Sending you so much love and healing. 💕
So awesome! I just got done with my first period after the D&C and I was thankful it started right on time and wasn’t painful really. So we will be trying for another one in July. I am so glad you had another one and it was a good pregnancy ❤️
Wishing you the best! I got pregnant again my next cycle after my D&C. We are trying again now for our third and likely last, I’m hoping all goes smoothly. Sending you baby dust!
Awe yah! That’s so exciting. This will be my 3rd and last baby as well. So hopefully it goes smooth one we try. Sending you all the baby dust as well! ❤️
I don’t know what to think or feel. I’ve had a miscarriage and a dnc that left me with infections for a year I finally just got pregnant again and I’m feeling bad pain no more symptoms and spotting so I’m pretty sure there’s no heartbeat again and I honestly do not know what to do or what route to go if you have any suggestions
Thanks so much for sharing your experience Hayley ❤️
I am now also 1 in 4 having suffered a missed miscarriage too, I went for a private scan at the weekend for no particular reason, just that we didn’t want to wait 12 weeks to see the baby and we were shocked to learn there was no heartbeat. I was measuring at 8 weeks and 5 days which was about right so it’s likely our babies heartbeat only stopped a day or so before.
We instantly felt feelings of shock, sadness and confusion with it being our first baby. I pretty quickly made up my mind that I wanted to opt for the D&C procedure as the idea of passing our baby naturally was too traumatic
I had my D&C today and all went smoothly I thought I’d feel sad and empty but at the moment I don’t, I don’t know what I feel – I guess the emotions will hit me soon, once I’m out of physical pain and have time to reflect on what’s happened. It’s felt like a battle to get here being stuck in an endless admin cycle with our Dr’s & hospital
I’m so lucky that my partner is amazing, not someone who talks about his feelings freely (I’ve never seen him cry in 7 years) but he’s been so open and vulnerable through out this whole process and I think it’s really helped
I’d love for us as women to start sharing their miscarriage experiences more freely, it’s really helped me reading about other womens stories. It’s strangely such a taboo subject when it shouldn’t be especially if the statistic is so high.
You’re absolutely right, Ashleigh! I’m so sorry about your loss. Thank you for sharing your story! 💜
Hi! I’m also an unfortunate participant in 1 and 4. After 3 years of infertility, we got pregnant with our little miracle baby. I booked a midwife by 5 weeks and they don’t do appointments until you’re 12 weeks along. At my 12 week appt, they couldn’t find a heart beat on the Doppler thing and sent me to an independent ultrasound scan plan. Since they didn’t seem worried that anything was wrong, my husband went back to work after the appt and I went on to the ultrasound by myself.
Since I had all normal, but light, pregnancy symptoms and no signs of anything being wrong with baby, I told him I’m sure the ultrasound would be totally fine and to go on to work. What a mistake that was.
The lovely ultrasound tech asked if I was sure of my last period because baby was measuring at 9 weeks instead of 12. I told her yes and joked that a small baby would be fine with me. It was my first pregnancy, I had no idea that measuring behind would end up meaning a bad thing. I also noticed baby wasn’t moving on the screen but as I had never had an ultrasound while being pregnant, I thought baby was just sleeping. Now I know.
She then told me baby had passed at 9 weeks.
I of course completely lost it because it was so dreadfully unexpected- I had NO miscarriage symptoms and baby hadn’t been alive for 3 weeks. He ended up passing one week later and two hours before I would have to take the medication to move the pregnancy out. It was an absolute answer to prayer that he was able to come out naturally.
Hearing other women’s stories of their miscarriage has helped me so much, thank you for this post.
Hi Hayley,
I am 1 in 4 too.
I found out at 13 weeks that my baby had passed at 7 weeks and 2 days and have just gone through the ‘management’ process. I’m still within the first 48 hours.
I’m in England, so it’s been a slightly different experience, I was given tablets internally (thankfully not the bumhole) and within 2 hours my medically induced miscarriage started.
I am 33, a mum of two boys aged 12 and 7. I didn’t think I wanted anymore children, but now I can’t think of anything else.
Thank you for sharing your experience – I needed to see this.
Rachel X
Hi, I went In yesterday for my 8 week scan and similar story my baby stopped growing at week 6. We’re heartbroken but hopeful in God and his promises. Thank you for your story as it makes this time feel less isolating and alone.
Hi y’all will my names Jessica. Am going through a “high risk miscarriage” what my doctor is calling it why not say it’s a miscarriage period… I bleed a blood clot Friday night 9-24 went into a panic but didn’t want to tell anyone I’ve had 2 other miscarriage but they have passed on their own. This one is different I haven’t bleed anymore and am scared to do the next steps I was so hopeful everything would be okay and I would finally have my rainbow baby but went I went to the hospital they gave me no hope to light at the end of this dark tunnel. All I wanted was some hope but there was no heartbeat the baby is no longer in the sac nor growing. I just want this to be done and over with. My previous miscarriage a doctor told me to just go home and pretend like I was never pregnant. What?!! I shock my head and walked out this happened on December. I’ve just ended with heartaches. I wish you tons of blessings and hope for a prefect angel we will never loss hope because at the end of every dark tunnel there is light!
Hi! I’m Keiara. I am currently experiencing my 2nd missed miscarriage. The first I was 16 weeks and the second I was 6 weeks. Your story really touched me as it’s very similar to what I am experiencing now. I have a 6 yr old son, and I was extremely excited to learn my boyfriend and I were expecting again, until the unfortunate news I got at my first and then last ultrasound appointment. I’m thankful to have come across your blog post. All support is needed during this time. Thank you for sharing because you’re not alone.
I’m sitting here crying really hard as I read this. I needed some assurance and found your site. I went through the same ordeal this time last year and I’m pregnant again, but I started having some cramps and bleeding yesterday at 6 weeks. I’m praying to God that it doesn’t happen again. Pray for me.
My name is Kaitlyn, as a 20 year old woman who’s first pregnancy ended in miscarriage i have to say i am surprised that this is common. i found out on February 22nd, my baby had been gone for a week. i had called the week it had happened to report some dark bleeding that lasted for 3 minutes. my OB told me to wait until my ultrasound a week later and that everything should be fine. i had a subchorionic hematoma and they’re unaware if the baby passed before or after the bleeding began to pool around it. not blaming myself for this “freak accident” has been hard but i have a really good support system. knowing that tomorrow, the 25th of February.. i will no longer be carrying my little nugget hurts my heart in more ways than one and i am so sorry for the same unexplainable pain you women are feeling.
My name is ivory and i am also a 20 year old woman who has lost her baby to a missed miscarriage. I thought i was alone. I was still holding on for hope knowing that it took a year for me even to develop this baby. It was sooooo hard for me to get pregnant all for it to be taken away. I was hurt, angry, sad & depressed.. but god has a reason for everything.
Hi Hayley, I’m another 1 in 4.
I’m in the process of my missed miscarriage at the moment. I found out when I was 8 weeks that my baby stopped growing at around 5 weeks.
My body didn’t pass it naturally so I took the misoprostol yesterday. I am bleeding but waiting for the painful cramps that most people experience but I haven’t had anything painful yet so I’m worried that it’s not worked and I will have to have a d&c anyway.
Thank you for sharing. I think most people think a miscarriage just happens quickly like in the movies but it is actually a very long process especially if the body doesn’t pass it naturally.
I’m sorry to hear that, Jenny. I’m another 1 in 4. While I know it’s a part of gods plan, I can’t help but grieve and cry. It doesn’t help that my hormones are out of whack. I took the medicine and thought I passed it and ended up not passing it. I went to the doctor today and my cervix was dilated and she was able to remove the sac herself. I bled A LOT. I was dripping into the floor in the doctors office.
I hate that other women have to go through this. You are so strong. Take care of yourself.
Omg love so awfull for you . I’m reading a lots of stories currently passed my pregnancy yesterday and feeling reading really helps to hear others who go through this too xxx
I am also 1 and 4. Found out November 16 I was 9 weeks and baby was measuring at 6… I am still now struggling with the aftermath had to get my hcg levels tested weekly and with excessive pain and a needed ultrasound found out I never officially passed the baby as I thought occurred naturally. So scheduled for a d/c…. it’s been such a long emotional journey, trying to find hope but it’s so hard.
Hello Hayley,
Thank you for sharing your story. My husband and I found out that we were expecting our second child in March but at our 12 week ultrasound we were advised that our little one had stopped developing after 8 weeks. It was a sad experience but we kept our hopes high. A couple weeks later my body started the process of the miscarriage on its own.
About a months later we got a pregnant again and things seemed to be going very well. We started thinking about names, look into strollers and other baby items. Last week I had my 20 week scan when we found out that our baby boy had not developed past 17 weeks and there was no heartbeat. That night we were admired to the hospital so that I could give birth to our beautiful boy. We got to spend some time with him as well!
We are both very sad, shocked and devastated. We were sure that once we get past the first 12 weeks we were on the safer side but I guess that is not really a thing.
I’m hoping that a few months or years down the road God will bless us with another healthy baby.
Hi there,
Thank you so much for sharing your story. It’s true that miscarriages are so prevalent yet no one talks about them. I found out yesterday at my 10 week appointment that I was having a miscarriage. The NP had trouble finding the heartbeat with the Doppler so she sent me to get a t/v ultrasound. The tech was really “cold” and moved the wand around typing away without saying much. After a minute, I said “What’s happening?” And she responded that she couldn’t find a heartbeat, apologized, tapped me on my shoulder and left the room. I met with the NP again who had called my doctor to tell her that I had had a missed miscarriage. She asked me what I wanted to do and I said D&C. The NP said someone would call me to schedule it next week. She sent me to the lab to get bloodwork to see if I’m a carrier for abnormalities— that’s it. I was never told if the baby was measuring smaller or anything. I’m 39 and this was my first pregnancy. I cried all day yesterday. The worst part is my body still hasn’t registered that I’ve miscarried. I’m not sure if I will try again. This was agonizing. However, I find solace in knowing that I’m not alone in this journey. Thanks again for sharing.
My missed miscarriage was discovered 3 weeks ago today when I was supposed to be 9 weeks, 6 days but baby only measured 6 weeks with no heartbeat. I went back after 10 agonizing days of waiting with no resolution and was prescribed misoprostol. I went through that on October 15th and today I had my follow up with the doctor, where it was confirmed I was no longer pregnant through a negative pregnancy test and a pelvic exam. I’m really still struggling but everyone expects me to be ok. My closest mom friend found out she was pregnant two weeks after I did and her pregnancy is happy and healthy. But I don’t know how to be around her right now. It stinks because our daughters are best friends and I just can’t stand it. I wish her a healthy pregnancy but it’s too hard knowing mine is over.
Ugh i’m is so sorry Tiffany. It’s important you take ALL the time you need to grieve your loss. If that means distancing for some friends for a bit, that’s fine. It took me until I got pregnant again to feel more comfortable around friends who had a baby around my expected due date. Take your time and don’t let anyone rush you. 💜
Thank you for responding. And thank you for sharing your story publicly so those of us who experience this can empathize. I saw you’ve had your rainbow baby recently, congratulations. I’m hopeful for a similar outcome.
I’m feeling exactly this right now so happy for my friend got pregnant through ivf a s we were pregnant together . But now yesterday I had a misscariage . I’m happy for her but I don’t know how I will feel being around her were having same day scans aswell . And now my scan on the 10 th March will confirm no pregnancy . 🥲
Thank you so much for your story. It is so helpful to hear how others have gone through this. We just found out yesterday that our baby hasn’t grown beyond 6 weeks and our contemplating our options now.
I was diagnosed with a missed miscarriage 2 days ago when it was revealed that my babe stopped growing at 6 weeks during a 9 week ultrasound. While waiting for this to pass your story brings me peace, and i feel less alone in this endeavor. Thank you for sharing.
Oh Eva I’m so sorry you’re experiencing this. I’m glad my story helped. My rainbow baby is now 8 weeks old. Have hope! I’m praying for you during this time! 💜
Hayley,
Thank you so much for posting your experience. Today I just found out I had a missed miscarriage. I am 36 and this was my first pregnancy (I do have 3 adopted boys). I have PCOS and felt it was never going to happen, so it was a surprise to wake up on my birthday to a positive pregnancy test. It took me a while to accept that it was true and then today it was taken from me. I was supposed to be 9 weeks 5 days today and there was no heartbeat present. Growth was measured at 8 weeks 5 days. I got a second opinion from urgent care (3 ultrasounds) and it was confirmed. Now I have been prescribed misoprostol to begin the process. I am completely devastated, but I know God has a plan. Reading your post and others comments have been so helpful. Thank you.
Hi Hayley,
I commented on your Instagram about this, but I also had a missed miscarriage. At 7 weeks, my baby was only measuring 5 weeks and 4 days. Luckily, my body started the process on its own 5 days later and the bleeding and pain ended a week after that. It has been 2 and a half weeks since that awful day and I still find myself sobbing at pictures of babies and pregnant women. However, the picture you posted of your baby girl yesterday gave me such joy. I really hope to be in the same boat as you next year with our rainbow baby. Thank you for showing all the 1 in 4s that there is light at the end of the tunnel and hope after all the pain.
Hi Hayley… I loved reading this … today is a hard day for me … I had no fetal cardiac activity at my 8 week 5 day ultrasound yesterday .. I love your post where you mention wanting to hold on to your baby but your baby had already let go… I am torn, heart broken .. but reading your post idk how I came to find it , it helped me so much … your words give me strength … my dates never seemed to match or make sense .. I know when I got pregnant also … I had my first faint positive may 16… which was actually a couple days before my missed period I wasn’t sure I was going to miss yet at that point … I had an early ultrasound at what I thought I was 4 weeks or so based on my lmp.. nothing was seen … but my hcg levels were rising … a few weeks later I went to the er due to cramping and light spotting , baby was seen but measuring 6 weeks , and a heart beat of 95 was seen but not heard .. they said things looked good for 6 weeks … but technically I thought and was sure I should’ve been 8 weeks 2 days … well I had to go back to being 6 weeks again .. but I had this gut feeling something wasn’t right ….. dr scheduled me for an ultrasound for 2 weeks later which was yesterday .. no fetal cardiac activity , I saw the tech measure my ovaries , my uterus , my gestational sac… but not my baby… my heart dropped and I knew nothing was ok at that point … I cried as I got the awful news and the 3 options I had … naturally miscarry which could take weeks , Misoprostol , or d&c… went home broken, my husband also left work to come home to me and hold me … last night I started getting sharp pains when we went to the store to pick up pads that i knew I’d need and the Misoprostol from the pharmacy … then I started cramping and having back pain throughout the whole night that only got worse … no bleeding … this morning about an hour ago I inserted the Misoprostol vaginally as I was instructed , and here I wait for my baby to fully let go of me … broken in tears .. hurting … my cramps are getting stronger my back pain too , no bleeding yet … I worry this won’t work and I’ll need the procedure also .. I see a dr Monday morning …
I’m sorry for your loss Hayley… I loved reading about the stories your mom told you also … my daughter is 6 months old and she’s a rainbow baby … i wouldn’t of had my beautiful girl I do now if I wouldn’t of gone thru that first loss … this one is more painful due to being further this time compared to last… last I was very very much early on .. this time I was almost 9 weeks … I also got home yesterday and hugged my sweet girl E’syiah… my girl is brave and such a wild little girl who is just so smart and isn’t afraid to learn , I try to tell myself our first baby we lost lives in her and that’s why she’s so brave and strong … I will also try for another rainbow baby … I just want my time to grieve this loss too … God bless you and your family Hayley.. thank you for your beautiful post and I’m so happy and blessed to have come to your post …
Hi Hayley,
I stumbled onto your instagram account on the search for minimal living inspiration. Little did I know the bond we now sadly share. Two years ago, almost to the day, I took a pink, dollar store pregnancy test for the first time and seeing those two lines gave me a feeling I could have never imagined. I went to the OB at what should have been 9w5d but my sweet baby was measuring 6w, with no detected heartbeat. I’ve never felt more numb, yet also felt grief like that — all at once. I chose to have a D&C because I worked 40+ hours a week and didn’t feel I could risk it happening at work. I cried through your whole story. It is so beautifully written in the midst of your heartache and pain. My D&C was August 27. On December 15 I nervously waited for another ultrasound after finding out a few weeks prior that I was pregnant again. I felt sick… Only remembering how I felt when there was no heartbeat to hear, no squeals of excitement from the ultrasound tech, and a half dozen mommies with big bellies to walk past in the waiting room.
Thankfully, God blesses us with our rainbow baby and we heard that strong heartbeat at 9w6d. He’ll be 13 months old in a few days and like your mom so lovingly pointed out, God uses even our miscarriages to bring children into our lives that would have not been here otherwise. I wouldn’t trade my sweet boy for the world. And I’m so thankful my sweet Jesus is taking better care of my sweet angel baby then I ever could have here on earth. Your story NEEDED to be written and heard and I thank you from the bottom of my heart for sharing it with us. Much love and prayers for you. ❤️
Another 1 in 4,
Shelby
My husband and I just experienced a missed miscarriage this summer. We found out we were pregnant in May, a little babe we had been hoping for, what would have been our first child, we were so excited. At our first doctor appointment, what was supposed to be 7w5d, the baby measured about 5 weeks. The doctor informed us that it was likely an early miscarriage or I had my dates wrong, like you I knew I didn’t have my dates wrong, which meant our little baby wasn’t going to be joining our family in January like we’d calculated. We were asked to schedule a follow-up appointment for the next week to ensure the baby wasn’t viable before deciding on treatment. The following week, the ultrasound looked quite a bit different. There were 2 yolk sacs, one very faint and fallen in, and one bright and clear. We hadn’t noticed 2 sacs last time, so the doctor, again, wanted us to come back the following week just in case that change meant something was happening. I went home with hope in my heart, but reality in my mind. I wanted so badly for this baby I would have hoped no matter what. When we went back, we received confirmation that it was a missed miscarriage. I was prescribed misprostol and went home with a heavy heart. Long story short, the first round didn’t work, but we didn’t find out until 2 weeks after. We chose to do another round, which luckily did work. Finally on July 24th it was confirmed that all pregnancy tissue was out and now the body needed to heal itself. This process took 6 weeks from finding out that our pregnancy wasn’t viable until it was all over.
I’m beyond grateful that we were capable of getting pregnant and for what this experience has exposed me to. I am so excited to be a mom and start growing out family, so I’m hoping and praying it won’t be long until we are pregnant with a healthy little rainbow baby and that when we go to our first appointment we get to experience the joy of seeing that little fluttering heartbeat.
Thank you for sharing your story. I’m sorry for your loss. I’ll be thinking about you and your family as you continue through this process. May closure bring you peace and hope for your future. ❤️
Hi, my baby Heart stop beating at 10 weeks. Found out during my 12 weeks appointment. Still in grief and husband cried for days. It’s our first baby. Its really heart wrenching. Never know pregnancy can be this difficult. Just done my D&c on 26th July. Will try for again after first or 2 cycle! Let’s pray and hope for rainbow baby.
Love you so much sweetie. It’s so sad to see you, my sweet little girl, go through this. I’m glad you’re not alone and that you have a rock of a husband by your side. God has a plan and I’m sure it will be a beautiful healthy baby in your arms again. I’m here for you always 💕
Thank you mama! You have been there for me every strong the way and unappreciated it so much!! You’re the best!! 💜
Hi Hayley. I have been following you for a few months and enjoy following along. I am so sorry to hear about your loss. I walked through pretty much the exact same story you just shared. I know exactly how you feel and I am so glad that others are brave enough to share their story. This was my very first pregnancy so it has crushed my hopes and dreams for a family. On this journey I have grown so much closer to God and have learned to understand that his plan is for the best. His timing is all part of his plan for us. My husband and I have been walking this journey since January and I just got cleared to try again after so many complications and “we’ve never seen this before”. We just started trying again. Your prayers would be so much appreciated! I will be praying for you.
Oh Jen, I’m so sorry you’ve had to go through this! I wouldn’t wish it upon anyone. But sharing our stories helps give others comfort and hope. Praying that you’re able to have your rainbow baby soon!!
Hi Hayley,
I chanced upon your website. Thank you for sharing your story.
I had a miscarriage 2 weeks ago when went for 8 weeks ultrasound scan.
I was hopeful that we could hear baby’s heartbeat and even asked my husband and kids to accompany me for the scan.
Unfortunately, doc said that the baby stopped growing at 6 weeks. My mind went blank. Doc gave two options – medical management or surgical. I opted medical management.
I refused to accept the fact that why this had happened. Was it really true that once we reach 40, the risk of pregnancy is much higher?
I am still healing emotionally and searching online for answers on why missed miscarriage could happen. There were no symptoms at all in this case.
Hope time will heal.